What Happens in School
by Zaquix
Summary: UPDATE Chapter 16 What happens when a new girl comes to school? There's a huge argument, of course. Amusing. Better than summary.
1. Chapter 1: The Principal

_Disclaimer: I do __**not**__ own Naruto._

_Author's notes: This was absolutely the first thing I thought of when I randomly decided to write a nonsense series based on the show Naruto, at a typical high school, or not so typical considering some of the characters. I mean, seriously, this practically wrote itself. _

_p.s. This is just going to be a series of oneshot humor situations, and I just thought it would be a good thing in place of a journal, which I could never write in. Some of this stuff is most definitely going to be based on stuff that happens to me at school. Hopefully, I can remember all of it and write it down before I forget it each day._

_R&R._

**Mathematics**

Sakura plopped down into her seat, sighing. Sasuke hadn't said "hi" to her this morning, even after she said "hi" to him. It was starting to become frustrating.

"Hey, Naruto, catch!"

A Nerf football hit the side of Sakura's head. Instantly, pain clouded over her vision, and she felt the tears starting to form. She squinted up at a sheepish Naruto, who was instantly by her side when he saw her get hit.

"BAKA, Naruto!" she hissed. "That hurt like hell!"

Naruto rubbed the back of his neck, uncomfortable. "Sorry, Sakura-chan. I meant to catch it, but-"

Sakura glared daggers at the blond boy.

"Well, it's not my fault Kiba can't throw straight!" Naruto whined.

She wrinkled her nose in distaste. "Just don't do it again…" She warned. "…or else."

Naruto blanched. Message received.

"Naruto, aren't you gonna throw the football back?! I'm dying to catch a pass here!" Kiba yelled from across the classroom.

Sakura silently handed the football back to the blond and he enthusiastically started playing catch with the dog.

"Hey Kiba, go long!" Naruto shouted out above the noise of the classroom.

He threw the football perfectly and it looked like Kiba was about to catch it when…

…it hit Kurenai-sensei squarely in the face, as she opened the classroom door and walked in.

"Errr…Kurenai-sensei…I'm really, really sorry. I was about to catch that, but your face kinda got in the way…" Kiba floundered helplessly.

"UZAMAKI, INUZAKA, PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE **NOW**!!!!"

Both boys exited the room, unwilling to face the wrath of their sensei, who was now turning tomato-red and looked as if she had steam literally coming out of her ears.

Sakura rolled her eyes. First day, and the two idiots already got in trouble.

**Next Day**

Sakura frowned to herself. Sasuke _still_ hadn't said "hi" to her this morning.

All of a sudden, a football hit her in the side of the head. What the hell. It was déjà vu all over again. This time Sakura didn't hesitate. She punched Naruto halfway across the room.

"Sakuraaa…" Naruto whined. "You didn't have to hit me _that_ hard."

The blond was now sporting a nosebleed and Sakura looked at her artwork, satisfied.

"Well, you two shouldn't be playing football in the classroom. Kurenai-sensei already busted you yesterday. She's not going to hesitate in doing it again." She warned.

Naruto shrugged and went back to his game.

Five minutes later, Kurenai-sensei walked into the room and snapped. "Uzamaki, Inuzaka, still playing ball in my class, I see. Principal's office. Now."

"Yes m'am." Kiba grinned cockily at Kurenai-sensei. "We'll go immediately."

Naruto grinned widely at Kiba. "Yes, let's."

The two boys walked out of the room together with their heads together, whispering intently as if they shared a big secret that no one else knew.

**Next Day**

Sakura slid into her seat, dejected. That's right. You guessed it.

She had enough sense to duck this time. "Naruto, what the hell?! Isn't getting sent to the principal's office twice enough for you, or did the punishment not make it all the way to what little you have of a brain?" she asked sarcastically.

"We just like playing ball," Naruto grinned.

This time Kurenai-sensei didn't even look up. "Uzamaki, Inuzaka, principal's office."

The two of them walked out of the classroom obediently.

"What is up with them?" Sakura wondered to herself. There was no way that they could actually _like_ getting punished so much, could they?

The pink-haired kunoichi decided that she would find out herself what was going on with the two class idiots.

At lunchtime, Sakura walked down to the principal's office. She hadn't been down this corridor yet this year and just barely managed to not get lost in the huge school.

Before she could knock on the door of the principal's office, the door swung open.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Were you coming here to see me? I'm the new principal here, and I've just been so busy with paperwork and junk that the last one left for me. It's been completely hectic, and a lot of kids have been sent down here in the past couple of days too. Was there something you needed?"

Sakura stared.

Standing before her was a very pretty blonde lady with her hair in pigtails and black high-heeled shoes. She didn't look anything like a principal. The lady looked young and surprisingly non-irritable. But the most surprising thing was that she had breasts. Huge breasts. And they weren't covered in the least by the very low-cut top she had on. In fact, the top was so low-cut that Sakura could tell that she didn't have a bra on. Not even a strapless.

Those perverts.

_R&R._


	2. Chapter 2: Internship anyone?

_Disclaimer: I do __not__own Naruto._

_Author's notes: We actually got a lecture on interning today in history, lol. And this is what I just happened to come up with. I'm sorry if I couldn't come up with better ones…I was just way too tired, lol. Oh, the joys of interning. :d. My hands were actually seriously numb when I typed this. I don't suggest not wearing gloves in below freezing weather. Especially for long periods of time…I'm not kidding._

_R&R._

**History**

"Okay, listen up. Since I have neither the will nor the drive to actually teach any of you, especially if any one of you are as slow as Naruto, so I volunteered this class to be put up for sale as slaves."

"Are you serious, Jiraiya-sensei?! That's not legal." Naruto complained. "You can't just sell off your class because they annoy you…"

"No, I was kidding Naruto, but if I had to give up any one of my students it would be you. But I did sign up this class to listen to a lecture on internship given by Shizune-sensei. Therefore, _I_ can go do some more research for my oncoming book."

"Research, my ass," Naruto muttered. "More like go spy on the women at the bathhouse."

"I heard that, baka!"

Shizune walked into the classroom. "Okay kids, I'm here to talk to you about internships. First off, who knows what an internship is?"

Shikamaru readily responded. "A job where you do tedious work for little to no pay and then completely regret it later in life because a co-worker from your internship started stalking you."

"Errr…yes, moving on now." Shizune said quickly. "So what kind of stuff are you kids interested in?"

Naruto raised his hand. "Yes, Naruto?"

"I wanna be Hokage someday! Believe it!"

The whole class let out a simultaneously groan and a couple of people turned to glare at the hyperactive ninja. "Why the hell did you have to bring up future careers, Shizune-sensei? Now we'll have to listen to Naruto talk even _longer_ about being Hokage," Sakura pointed out.

"Because this is what internships are about," Shizune snapped. "Now who else?"

"Is there a job for doing absolutely nothing except for sleeping?" Shikamaru asked.

"Ummm…no,"

"Is being future Mrs. Sakura Uchiha considered a job?" Sakura questioned.

"Errrr…not really…"

"What about a prostitute?"

"No, Ino…that's not really a good job option…"

"I CAN DEVELOP THE POWER OF YOUTH!!"

"…no, just no, Rock Lee…"

"Can I put down Avenger for my interests in interning?" Sasuke asked.

"Not particularly…"

"Can I be a dog?"

"…the hell?"

"Is being head of my clan considered a job?"

"Neji, that's not gonna happen,"

"For my internship, can I just go around and kill every one of you annoying humans as a sacrifice to my dead mother, so that the streams and oceans run red, and I'm the only one left on the planet?"

"…"

"Maybe we should stop for today."

_R&R._


	3. Chapter 3: Arguing Over Nothing

_Disclaimer: I do __**not**__ own Naruto._

_Author's notes: Lol. This just had to be done. It might have been done already, but I really couldn't resist. I swear Temari is so out of character in this, but she is totally gonna be badass in following installments. I think too much, lawlz._

_R&R._

**English**

Temari walked into English, unaware of how much trouble she was about to cause.

She spotted her best guy friend, Shikamaru, sitting in the far corner of the room, trying to pick the spot where Kakashi-sensei would least likely bother him. She happily sat down in the desk next to him. "Hey, Shika-kun."

Shikamaru had his head snuggled in his arms on the desk, trying to sleep, but upon hearing Temari's voice, opened one eye. "Hey."

Then the spiky-haired boy went back to sleeping. Temari didn't particularly mind. He always looked like he was sleeping, but she knew that he was actually listening half the time.

"God," she groaned to no one in particular. "Does Kakashi-sensei have to be late _every_ day?"

Shikamaru sighed and lifted his head. He might as well stay awake, since he couldn't sleep anyhow with Temari busy chattering to TenTen on her other side. He propped his head up and stared absentmindedly at the troublesome blonde.

Temari turned back around. "Shika-kun, what are you doing Saturday? Maybe we can hang-"

"What are you doing in my seat?"

Temari turned around, confusedly. "What?"

She met a very angry Ino glaring at her. "You're in my seat."

Annoyed now, Temari shot back. "Your name isn't on it, is it? And I was here first, anyway."

Ino clicked her tongue impatiently. "Shika-kun is _my_ teammate, _my_ friend, and besides, everyone thinks we look better together than _you_ with him. Seriously, there are _way_ more hits when you type ShikaIno in Google search."

"What the fuck?" Temari was getting angry now. "I have just as much right to sit here as you do. Besides, Shika-kun likes _me_ better! Right Shika-kun?"

Shikamaru looked at the two blondes, completely unwilling to get in the middle of the argument. "Ummm…"

"NO, you like _me_ better right?!" Ino demanded.

"Not likely, pig!"

"Ya? Well, who wears their hair like _that_? Planet Dorkdom?"

"At least, I'm not a complete slut!"

"You couldn't even be a slut, you're _way_ too ugly!"

The two blonde girls were in each other's faces now, screaming at the top of their lungs. All of a sudden, Temari drew her fist back and punched Ino right in the face.

Ino looked at her, shocked.

But she wasted absolutely no time in slapping Temari across the cheek.

They both stood face to face, glaring at each other.

"Ummm…you two shouldn't really have to fight over me…" Shikamaru tried to be the mediator, unsuccessfully.

Temari made the first move, tackling Ino and pushing them both to the ground. They began tearing at each other's clothes and hair, rolling around on the ground.

"I really think you two shouldn't-" Shikamaru's eyes widened as he saw something rip, and reveal…something. Maybe he would let this go on for a while.

"CATFIGHT!" Naruto screamed, excitedly.

Shikamaru sat down in his seat, enjoying the show.

**In the Teacher's Lounge**

Kakashi stopped in the middle of pouring his morning coffee. He turned to Gai-sensei and remarked, "Funny. I just got the strangest feeling that something is going horribly wrong in my classroom."

He shook his head. "Nah, not possible."

_R&R._


	4. Chapter 4: Why it's Wrong to Spy

_Disclaimer: I do __**not**__ own Naruto._

_Author's notes: Lol. There is a simple elegance to the __Byakugan when it is used in the correct way, but there is always the simple slip-up that seems to happen. This is documentation of one of those mistakes. :P. _

_Warning: Slight sexual implication, though not offensive at all. I hope._

_R&R._

**In the Hallway**

"Hey Neji!" the hyperactive ninja waved at Neji from where he was standing against the lockers with Gaara and Sasuke.

Neji turned and went to join them. "Good morning. What are you doing this fine afternoon?"

Naruto frowned at the formal speech, but brightened instantly. "Well, we have a mission for you. We decided that since you are such a prude all the time-"

Neji opened his mouth to object, but Naruto cut him off. "-that we could help you get over it by making you using Byakugan on the girl's locker room after their cheerleading practice."

The Hyuga stared at the blonde in disbelief. Was he serious? Degrading his magnificent gift by using it to spy on naked girls?

"Absolutely not."

The fox pouted. "But it'll be fun. Even teme agrees with me."

Sasuke glared at his best friend. Oh, that jerk was sooo not going to bring him into this.

Neji politely refused again…

…which resulted in Naruto pestering him again…and again…and again…and yet again.

"ALRIGHT! I'LL DO IT!"

The blonde looked at him in surprise. "Only ten minutes? I thought it would take much longer to crack you."

The prodigy rubbed his temples, already nursing a major headache.

**That afternoon**

Naruto practically had to drag Neji over to the girl's locker room. "Ne, it'll be fun. I promise. And if it isn't…then well, err…I dunno."

Neji glared daggers at him.

The blonde backpedaled frantically. "It'll be fun. For sure."

Sasuke and Gaara followed close behind them, Sasuke looking bored, and Gaara looking…well, how he always looks.

Naruto positioned Neji right in front of the girls' locker room door. "Okay now, in about five minutes, all of the girls should be in their showers."

Neji gave the blonde a funny look. "How exactly do you know this?"

Naruto grinned slyly. "I have my sources."

Gaara responded. "No, the only thing you have is stupidity."

Sasuke nodded in agreement.

Naruto glared at both of them.

"_Anyway,_" Naruto turned back to Neji. "They should be showering just about now."

He gave Neji the 'go ahead' hand motion.

Neji sighed. Naruto would never stop bugging him until he did this. It was now or never. He activated his Byakugan and stared intently at the door.

After about five minutes, Neji turned off his Byakugan.

Naruto jumped up eagerly. "So? How was it? I told you it was going to be fun."

Neji shook his head mutely, not ready to speak yet.

Sasuke looked at Neji, curious despite his better instincts. Even Gaara looked at him questioningly, waiting for his answer.

Neji shook his head again.

He was never going to be able to look at his cousin in the same way again. Scratch that. He was never going to be able to look at _any_ of the girls again. It would be excrutiatingly painful.

The Hyuga prodigy muttered something and ran down the hall as fast as he could, trying to get as far away from the girl's locker room as possible.

The three guys looked at each other.

"I heard shower," Sasuke offered.

"I heard together," Gaara shrugged.

Naruto widened his eyes. "Did he say 'dildo'?"

_R&R._


	5. Chapter 5: Think Before Speaking

_Disclaimer: I do __**not**__ own Naruto._

_Author's notes: Ahhh, I know this idea is probably overplayed a lot, but I just love the idea, ne? Anyway, I just needed another character to be the main one this time, and this seemed like the clear-cut obvious choice. :P. And yes, this class is one that everyone has to take in my school. X.x. Heh. Luckily, this has never ever happened to me._

_Warning: Contains slight innuendos. Not much. Hopefully not serious enough to stop you from reading it. :D._

_R&R._

**Health**

**Aka Sex Ed**

Hinata walked into Health class, not knowing what to expect. She hadn't wanted to take the class, but the stupid administrator had forced her to. Apparently it was on the list of graduation requirements.

She looked up curiously as the teacher walked in. Wasn't that the guy that Naruto was always calling ero-sennin? She squinted to get a better look at the sensei. Yup, that was the one and only. Hinata could feel a sense of foreboding settle about her.

It wasn't misplaced. The first thing out of Jiraiya-sensei's mouth made her wince. "So anyone here not a virgin?"

Hinata glanced around the classroom. Nobody had raised their hand.

"That's absolutely perfect. Now I can teach you everything I know about the subject." In his mind, Jiraiya was contemplating how much trouble he would get in if he used his health class as test subjects for his new book in the Icha Icha series.

He made up his mind. No amount of trouble could make this any less amusing.

Jiraiya tossed each of them a book. "Now, administration says I need to teach out of a certain textbook, but this is my class so I've decided to take a different approach." He winked. "And no one is going to tattle on me anyway, ne?"

The whole class looked nervously at each other. "Flip to page 44 and we'll start to read out loud. Naruto you get first paragraph." He said with an evil glint in his eye.

"The obnoxious blonde-haired ninja softened his smile and leaned down to kiss the dark-haired princess on the lips. He melded his body into hers and gently caressed her body. His hand slid up under her shirt and across her breast. He pushed her down onto the bed and slipped off her shirt. Then he took her mounds in his hands and began rubbing them, making her moan with pleasure." He stammered, blushing wildly red.

"Yup. That's good. Hinata, next paragraph is all yours."

"Mmm mmM mm mMmm," Hinata mumbled under her breath.

"What? We can't hear you. Speak louder, please."

"mmMm mMm Mmmm mmMmm," Hinata tried again, incoherently.

"Hinata, we really can't hear you, I must insist that you speak much louder," Jiraiya grinned.

Hinata took a death breath and belted out the first line of the paragraph. "'NARUTO, I WANT YOU TO MAKE SWEET LOVE TO ME UNTIL I CAN'T MOVE TOMORROW MORNING' SHE MOANED IN ECSTASY."

Everyone turned around to look at her in surprise. Naruto was staring at her in shock with his mouth open, and Hinata began flushing red from his staring. Jiraiya was laughing triumphantly, so hard that tears were coming out.

She wondered what he was laughing about.

It was at that moment she realized her fatal mistake.

The character in the book was named _Naruko_, not _Naruto_.

Suddenly, the air in the room felt a whole lot more suffocating. She had just practically confessed her feelings for Naruto in front of the entire classroom. In Sex Ed. The dark-haired girl felt a bit queasy. No wonder Naruto and everyone else was staring at her.

Hinata fainted.

**10 minutes later**

Hinata fluttered her eyelids. A fuzzy picture became sharper and focused. A very concerned Naruto was looking down at her. "Hey, Hinata, are you okay?"

She managed to keep her cool for about five seconds.

Then Hinata fell into a dead faint.

Jiraiya scratched his head, at loss of what he should do. "Eh, maybe she should just go rest at the nurse's office for the rest of class."

Naruto made a move to pick her up.

"Baka, we'll have someone else carry her there," he barked at a very clueless Naruto, who at this point Jiraiya was having some serious doubts that he would ever become _un_clueless.

_R&R._


	6. Chapter 6: Do your own Homework!

_Disclaimer: I do __**not**__ own Naruto._

_Author's notes: Sounds like the kind of thing that Sasuke would do. And sounds like the kinda stupid mistake that Naruto would make. Sorry that most of these fics have been centered around Team Kakashi. That's only because, well, their team is natural humor. I mean one super emo sarcastic guy who hates the outcast class clown guy who messes up all the time. Classic. :P. Ahhh!!! And sorry this chappie is so short._

_R&R._

**In the Hallway**

"No, dobe, I'm not going to let you copy off my science homework." Sasuke repeated for the umpteenth time. "You should have done it yourself."

"Please, please, please, please, please," Naruto begged pitifully.

Sasuke glared at him. "Read my lips. N-o."

"Bu-bu-but," Naruto puppy dog pouted at his best friend. "This is the first time I've ever asked you for anyth-"

"Uh-no. This would be about the gazillionth…no wait, you've asked me for so many favors that they haven't invented a number high enough yet. Don't worry, they will eventually…no, wait, they WON'T." Sasuke shot back sarcastically.

The blond glared at him. "You suck."

"Nope. That would be you."

**Science**

Naruto cringed and tried to make himself seem smaller in his seat. Asuma-sensei was coming around collecting homework. "Ah, Naruto. No homework? That'll be a zero."

"It's not fair! Teme wouldn't let me copy his homework!"

"And that my boy, is why we have homework. So idiots like you don't do it."

Asuma turned around and started the lesson.

Naruto glared at Sasuke.

That lowlife jerk.

The blonde ninja ripped a piece out a piece of paper from his notebook and ferociously scribbled "YOU'RE A BITCH" on it.

He crumpled it up and tossed it over onto Sasuke's desk.

The dark-haired boy opened the piece of paper and read it indifferently. He then crumpled it up again and tossed it over again, motioning that the note was from Naruto.

Naruto frantically tried to jump over Sasuke's desk and grab the note…

Sakura opened the note, prepared to throw away yet another one of Naruto's stupid little declarations of love.

…"I'M A WHAT?!"

Asuma looked up, surprised at the outburst from usual star pupil, Sakura.

Naruto was halfway across where he should be and had a very steamed looking Sakura glaring at him.

"NARUTO, YOU ARE SO DEAD!"

The whole class winced as Sakura started beating the crap out of the poor guy.

Sasuke smirked.

Payback was sweet.

_R&R._


	7. Chapter 7: An English Assignment

_Disclaimer: I do __**not**__ own Naruto._

_Author's notes: I just thought this would be kinda funny. :P. And of course, inspired, because Kakashi is always carrying around Icha Icha Paradise. So it's not much of a stretch in what he wants to do in this. So I felt bad that this one was so short and that I haven't posted in such a long time so......posting up the next chapter right away! ^^_

_R&R._

**English**

"Okay, class, we're starting something new today. Listen up."

Sakura looked at Kakashi disbelievingly. "You were supposed to be here an hour ago. Class ends in ten minutes."

Kakashi didn't even blink. "Well, I guess you'll have to learn this in ten minutes."

"Is this going to be hard?" Naruto asked.

"Not really, I expect this assignment will be very enjoyable for some of you." He responded.

He went around to every desk and dropped an orange book on each one. "Now kids, this is the new book we're going to be reading for the next week. I want the first chapter done for tomorrow."

Hinata hesitantly spoke up. "But Kakashi-sensei…"

"…THIS IS LIKE PORN!" Sakura exploded. "YOU CAN'T GIVE THIS TO US FOR AN ASSIGNMENT! AND IT SURE AS HELL ISN'T ON THE REQUIRED BOOKS LIST!"

Kakashi didn't skip a beat. "I can make you read whatever the hell I want. And this book is very informative and will be useful to you later in life. In addition, it is written with the utmost eloquent prose that rivals if not surpasses anything that is on the required booklist. It will help you master description and connections in writing. End of story. You're reading it. Dismissed."

The bell rang and everyone filed out.

**Next Day**

Kakashi walked into class, grinning. "So class, how did you guys like the first chapter of Icha Icha Paradise? Don't tell me, you loved it."

His smile quickly faded away when he saw his students.

Hinata was rocking back and forth in her seat, mumbling over and over. "No more whipped cream. No more whipped cream. No more whipped cream."

Neji was sitting in his seat, staring straight ahead at the blackboard, appearing fine. Except that every once in a while his left eye would twitch violently.

Naruto was staring at his book reverently.

Sakura was sobbing intensely next to her Icha Icha book—which looked like she had put it through the shredder at least five times. She was repeatedly muttering, "I must read this piece of crap. I must read this piece of crap."

Sasuke……well, he was just whimpering to himself in the corner of the room. "I can't kill my brother yet…my fangirls must die first."

Shikamaru looked like he was sleeping…but no one could see the hand he had down his pants.

Ino, for once, had shut up, traumatized, mumbling, "I didn't know that a guy could…do _that_ to a girl…"

Rock Lee wasn't even in his seat. He had skipped school for the first time, choosing not to endure the embarrassment of discussing Icha Icha.

Kiba was drooling uncontrollably.

TenTen was glaring fiercely at every guy in the room as if she would bite their heads off at any given moment. "Don't touch me!" she screamed when Neji tried to comfort her.

Kakashi looked indifferently at his distressed class. "I…see, well no matter, your assignment for tomorrow is chapter 2 in the book."

"NO!"

R&R.


	8. Chapter 8: The Bet ter One

_Disclaimer: I do **not** own Naruto._

_Author's notes: Well, everyone is always arguing about this. But they are both FREAKIN' hot, so to speak. ;D. So I love 'em both. Lol. Go to my profile to vote for which one you like better. So anyway, wrote this in about half an hour. w00t. I need to do something else with my mind._

_R&R._

**In the Hallway**

"No way, Sasuke is so much better," Sakura argued.

"Nah, I'm so over him, Neji is. He's just as good as Sasuke. One of the most powerful Hyugas of his clan. Awesome bloodline limit. And one of the most superior abilities of any ninja around." Ino shot back.

"Are you serious? Sasuke is that and much, much more!!"

"Neji has more fangirls," Ino pointed out triumphantly.

"Nah, Sasuke does,"

Ino rolled her eyes. "Ok, what about we agree that both of them are pretty much on the same level?"

Sakura nodded. "Yah, both of them are pretty amazing."

"HEY, SAKURA, INO!" the hyperactive blond bounced up next to him with the endless energy he always has.

Sakura rolled her eyes. "What do you want, Naruto?"

Sasuke walked up next to them, following Naruto. He gave the two girls a nod.

"Oh, hi Sasuke," Sakura positively gushed.

Ino rolled her eyes. She spotted Neji coming in through the front door and waved him over to their group. "Hey, Neji." She batted her eyelashes.

"Hey." The Hyuga greeted all of them.

"So anyway, what were you two talking about?" Naruto asked.

"Oh," Ino spoke up. "we were talking about who's better, Neji or Sasuke…"

Sakura finished. "…and we came to the conclusion that both of them are the same level, both are amazing."

"WHAT?!" Both prodigies turned to look at the two girls. "NO WAY, I'M BETTER!"

"Errr…" Ino and Sakura didn't have anything to say from the simultaneous outbursts.

The two genii glared at each other.

"Well, according to the statistics," Shikamaru adjusted his lawyer-like glasses that he whipped out of his pocket.

"Where the hell did you come from?!" Naruto yelped.

"…"

"Anyway, according to the statistics, you two have the same amount of fangirls, same level of ninja power, same amount of everything." He continued.

"Where the hell did you get those facts?" Sakura asked confusedly.

Shikamaru shrugged. "That's for me to know."

Neji spoke. "Well, we all know that I'm better still, so it doesn't matter."

"No, you aren't pretty-boy."

The Hyuga flipped his long hair over his shoulder. "At least it's better than your cockatoo hair, idiot." He smirked.

Before the two guys could ruin each other's faces *fangirl gasp*, Sakura intervened. "So, Shikamaru, is there any category that _hasn't_ been tested yet?"

The super-smart guy consulted his notes. "Ah, they haven't been tested for how smart they are…"

"Ok, I've decided." The Hyuga declared. "Next test we have, whoever gets a higher grade is indeed the better man."

The Uchiha readily agreed.

Neji grinned evilly. "And whoever loses has to…"

**Next Day**

**In Mathematics**

"Class, I've graded your tests from yesterday and I'm going to pass them back now." Kurenai-sensei called out.

The Uchiha and Hyuga stared each other down from across the room.

Kurenai-sensei began passing back the corrected tests.

Sasuke flipped his over eagerly and called out. "A 98! Beat that!"

Neji flipped his test over cautiously as Kurenai-sensei placed it face-down on his desk.

"OH YAH!!! A 100!!! WHO'S THE BEST, NOW!!!"

The Hyuga began doing his victory dance around the room.

Kurenai-sensei suddenly paused at Hinata's desk and frowned. "Hey Hyuga, I gave you the wrong test. Yours is over here. That one is Hinata's."

The prodigy sweat-dropped.

**Next Day**

Neji Hyuga grumbled as he walked up the walkway to the front of the school. A couple of freshman girls were pointing at him and giggling to themselves.

The disgruntled Hyuga shot them a glare.

They didn't stop their giggling.

He tried to make himself smaller as he saw more people at the entrance.

It didn't work.

More groups of fangirls started giggling and pointing at him. Hell, didn't the school have anything else important to do?

Life sucked.

Neji Hyuga walked into the school trying to hide his face and preparing to avoid everyone at all costs, leaving behind his boxers with "Neji Hyuga" written on them flying proudly from the flagpole outside the school.

_R&R._


	9. Chapter 9: A Trip to the Guidance Office

_Disclaimer: I do __**not**__ own Naruto._

_Author's notes: I could probably say sorry to everyone who really honestly likes Sasuke, but I'm not going to. ^^ Seriously, I thought this was quite an amusing idea, and besides, it is purely a joke. And lol, Sasuke's sexual orientation is just too fun to poke at. And introduction of another Naruto character. Read to find out who it is. *winks*_

_R&R._

**English**

The loudspeaker crackled to life and the voice came across as very static. "Kakashi-sensei, would you send the Uchiha boy down to the guidance office right away please?"

The dark-haired boy wondered why they wanted him at the guidance office.

Sasuke slowly gathered up his books and proceeded to walk out of the classroom. "Kakashi-sensei, I'm going down to the guidance office now."

A grunt was heard from the silver-haired sensei's general direction.

The pervert didn't even look up from his book.

**The Guidance Office**

Sasuke walked down the hallway to the guidance office, a bit unsure of where it was. After debating with himself for a bit, he decided that the guidance office was probably somewhere near the principal's office. When he found it, he opened the door and walked right in.

The secretary didn't glance up when he opened the door. "Go on in, honey, he's expecting you." She then pressed a button on her desk and spoke into it. "Mr. D, the student you requested is here."

Sasuke nervously walked into the guidance councilor's office. What had he done lately? As far as he could remember, he hadn't gotten any bad grades or gotten in trouble at all. He scrolled through his memory again. Unless, someone had found out about Neji and the girl's locker room, but there was no way that anyone knew of that besides Naruto, Neji, and Gaara. And none of them would rat themselves out. That would be pure stupidity. So what had he done to get sent down to the guidance office?

The first thing he saw when he walked in was a cloak. It was black with white clouds, ringed in red on it. The man was standing with his back to him, but when Sasuke walked in the guidance councilor turned around.

Sasuke started to speak. "What's up, _girlfriend_? How's life for you? I know that it's hard, but don't worry everyone will understand you someday."

The blonde man looked symphathetically at him. "Oh, where are my manners? My name is Deidara, and I'm one of the new guidance councilors. But you can call me Mr. D for short."

The dark-haired ninja looked at him. "Errr…what exactly am I doing here?" he asked confusedly.

"Oh, sit down, sit down."

Sasuke took a seat across the desk from the strange man. "Would you like a biscuit? They're warm and chewy and oh so yummy." Deidara gushed.

"Um…no thank you," Sasuke gave him a strange look. "Look, I don't really know what I'm here for, so if you could just tell me, I'll be on my way…"

Deidara clicked his tongue in a motherly way. "Oh, I know that it's hard to talk about the first couple of months, but that's what I'm here for." He laid his hand over Sasuke's.

At this point, Sasuke was really becoming freaked out. "What are you talking about?!"

The man looked at him none too unkindly. "Well, about you being gay of course."

The prince of ice lost his cool all of a sudden, only managing to look flabbergasted. "My what?" he asked weakly.

Deidara looked at him as if he was the one that was crazy. "Your sexual orientation, my dear. All the signs point to it. You never speak to girls, preferring to hang out with only guys. You are also very fashionable, I mean, compared to the other guys you definitely have the most fashion sense. And I heard that back…" the man checked his notes. "…four years ago, you even kissed your best friend, Naruto Uzamaki."

Sasuke was struck dumb, still unable to speak.

Deidara took that as a sign to continue. "Well, Tsunade-sama suspected this for a little while and asked me to help you along this difficult path. You're sooo lucky that you have me to help you with it. I mean, I didn't have anyone and I almost became severely depressed to the point of no return, but I'm better now. I'm actually bisexual." He added unnecessarily.

"I'm n-not gay," Sasuke choked out.

"Of course you aren't," Deidara gave him a pitying look. "I know that it's hard the first couple of months, what with everyone making fun of you, but I'm here to help you make it through all of this and accept it."

"B-but I'm n-not gay," Sasuke tried again.

Deidara plowed on ahead, obliviously to his protests. "So, we've set up a schedule for you. On Mondays and Wednesdays, Tsunade-sama wants me to take you to a 'Understanding of your Homosexuality' help class. On Thursdays, I'm supposed to take you to a convention that meets every week where you can meet others who are just like you. Understand, the principal is doing this for your own good. You're one of our best and brightest and she doesn't want you to bottle all of this up until it drives you crazy. God knows, that would be terrible."

"I-I'm not g-gay," he stuttered.

Yet again, Deidara paid him no attention. "I think this will be a good experience for you. If you're lucky and start to embrace your sexual orientation, Principal Tsunade said I may teach you a bit about, you know." He winked. "In any case, my job is to help you in any way possible, so feel free to talk to me whenever you like."

The guidance councilor looked at Sasuke expectantly.

The dark-haired boy finally found his voice. "FOR THE LAST TIME, I'M NOT GAY!"

Sasuke grabbed all of his books and stomped out of the room.

Deidara tsked. "Still in denial."

_R&R._


	10. Chapter 10: Poker

_Disclaimer: I do __**not**__ own Naruto._

_Author's notes: I love poker. Running out of ideas. T-T. All I gotta say about it. xD. Wow. Short author's notes this time._

_R&R._

**At Break**

The tension in the air was so thick that it could be cut with a knife. Don't you just love clichés? In any case, it was pretty bad. The four guys were sitting at a round table, intently staring at one another. Everyone else was gathered around to watch the showdown.

Finally Naruto spoke up irritably. "Just pick whether you're gonna fold or not, Sasuke."

Was it mentioned that all this was because of poker?

The dark-haired Uchiha paid the boy no mind, continuing to stare at his opponent across the table. "You're bluffing Hyuga."

Neji tilted his head to the side. "Am I?" he smirked back at Uchiha.

Sasuke looked down at the cards in his hands. He had managed to get two pairs. One was a pair of aces. The other was a pair of queens. He was almost positive that he had the highest hand in this round. And it wasn't as if he could afford to fold now. He was down five dollars as it was.

And damnit. Neji was winning.

Uchiha grit his teeth and put in his last dollar.

Gaara revealed his hand. A pair of jacks.

Shino revealed his hand. Three sixes.

Sasuke smirked at Neji, convinced that he had won.

The Hyuga calmly flipped over his cards.

"YOU HAVE A FLUSH?!"

**Next Day**

Sasuke glared at Neji who was sitting across from him again. "You aren't going to win today."

Neji just shrugged.

"Just deal, Uchiha," Gaara snapped. "I need to take my nap."

Shino raised one eyebrow. "I didn't know that you slept."

"Yah, I thought you couldn't sleep because of your demon?" Neji continued.

"Like what the hell? Clearly in the show 'Naruto' you said you don't sleep, ever." Sasuke said.

Gaara gave them all a death glare. "Deal. Now." He growled. "…or else."

The Uchiha gave Gaara an interested look. "Or else what?"

Poor Sasuke. He never saw it coming.

Shino sighed and looked at Gaara trying to strangle Sasuke on the ground. "Well, might as well deal the cards."

**15 minutes later**

Sasuke was once again back in his seat…a little beat up, but alive at least.

They had played five rounds already and Neji was winning. Again.

This was not making Uchiha very happy. In fact it was making Uchiha very _unhappy_. *Ignore restatement of same idea.*

Neji smirked at Sasuke. "Losing again I see."

Sasuke growled back. "Just deal."

"What about this time we make it more interesting." Gaara quipped. "Winner takes all."

The Hyuga and Uchiha nodded to each other.

"Deal." They agreed.

All four boys stared intently at their cards after they got them. The only sound to be heard was Naruto fidgeting over in the corner. "Would you stop moving for once?" Sasuke roared.

"B-but I gotta pee," the energetic blond complained.

Neji looked at the boy in surprise. "Then why aren't you going?"

Before Neji could say anything else Naruto sped out of the room.

Sasuke glared down at his cards. He was almost positive he could win this time. Just like every other time he lost.

"Two pairs." Gaara laid out his cards.

"Flush." Neji put out.

"STRAIGHT!" Sasuke screamed in joy as he realized that he won.

"Royal flush," Shino looked at the Uchiha with a strange face. "I win."

**5 minutes later**

"No m'am, we don't know what happened. All of a sudden he just had a breakdown and started crying. We haven't been able to get him to shut up." Gaara explained.

The nurse looked at the Uchiha boy who was currently crying out buckets upon buckets of water anime-style. "Well, I guess he can stay here until he stops." She said reluctantly.

As the three boys walked out of the room, Shino spoke up. "I don't get it…It was just Monopoly money."

_R&R._


	11. Chapter 11: Gym Class

_Disclaimer: I do __**not**__ own Naruto._

_Author's notes: Love this even though it's kinda overused. :D. But I've decided to put my own little mark on this joke. Hope you continue to enjoy my little random oneshot humor fics and stuff and thanks to everyone that has reviewed so far. I'm hoping to make a ton of these. Maybe like 180 chappies. One for each day I go to school. Yikes, that's a lot. Well, thanks again and I hope these brighten your day. ^^_

_R&R._

Gym

"Who is prepared to use the POWER OF YOUTH?!" Gai-sensei shouted excitedly.

"YOU'RE MY HERO, GAI-SENSEI!!!" Rock Lee began hugging his teacher.

All of the others looked away embarrassedly.

Sasuke interrupted their little bromance. "What are we doing today?" he asked, already bored because of course he doesn't think that he needs to get fit. Duh. Ninjas.

"WE'RE RUNNING 100 TIMES AROUND THE VILLAGE!!! AND THEN DOING 1,000 PUSHUPS AND SITUPS!!"

Nobody looked too thrilled.

Immediately, Sakura started whining. "Do we _have _to? That sounds _way_ too harsh. I mean, seriously dude."

Shikamaru was already asleep.

Naruto looked excited. He probably thought it would be good training for him. N00b. He wouldn't be too happy tomorrow morning when he wouldn't be able to move.

Choji was still munching away on his chips, paying absolutely no attention to what was going on in front of him.

Both Sasuke and Neji looked on with no emotion, any less emotion they would be considered dead most likely.

Ino…well, let's just say she was paying more attention to her looks.

Hinata was too shy to even speak up against the possible child abuse.

Kiba was trying to get Akamaru to stop chewing on his hood.

Shino…hell, no one can ever tell what he's thinking.

Altogether, the class looked as if they wanted to run out of the room screaming at the top of their lungs, "JUST KILL ME NOW!!"

When Gai-sensei saw that none of the kids looked happy about the prospect, he began his heart-felt speech.

"My wonderful pupils," Gai started with tears in his eyes. "We must exercise the power of youth more. You will be the best you can be, and I will love each and every last one of you like my own child."

Gai-sensei broke down sobbing. "I-I j-just w-wish you w-would be a little m-more enthusiastic a-about this c-class, but I know j-just the t-thing to h-help you."

**In the Hallway**

Kakashi was walking down the hallway when he heard a lot of screaming from the gym. He casually glanced into the little window of the door…

Anko saw Kakashi standing in front of the gym door with his face glued to the winder, staring intently. Curious, she walked over to take a peek.

Asuma gave a start. _What are Kakashi and Anko doing?_ He walked over too.

Pretty soon there was a whole bunch of teachers crowded around the gym door.

"I just can't believe it," Asuma said, flabbergasted.

"So…much…green…spandex," Kurenai choked out.

"It's like a bunch of little Gai's running around in an army…" Kakashi shuddered.

"I-I d-don't t-think I-I'll be able t-to s-sleep t-tonight," Iruka whimpered.

"What the _hell _are they wearing?!" Anko screamed with horror.

Yes. This is indeed what nightmares are made of.

_R&R._


	12. Chapter 12: Quick Trip to the Bathroom

_Disclaimer: I do __**not**__ own Naruto._

_Author's notes: Errr…so awkward, but this actually happened to me. Not the whole thing, but some of it, lol. Kinda embarrassing in a way. But I got over it. Lawlz. It's a random little oneshot and I hope you enjoy it._

_p.s. Not sure, but this story might be slowing down a bit or maybe not, depending. Just because I am using up most of the original ideas that I had for this series. So now I suppose the continuations are going to happen…1) if I have really weird dreams 2) if I have a really boring class and start thinking too much or 3) when amusing stuff actually happens in school_

_R&R._

**In the Hallway**

"Okay, Ino, I'll see you in class. I just have go to the bathroom first." Sakura called out.

The pink-haired girl ran down the hallway towards the bathrooms, fast. She had been holding the urge to pee for a whole period and now she felt like her bladder was going to explode.

Sakura pushed the bathroom door open, hurriedly, and quickly locked herself into one of the stalls. She felt relieved when she finally finished her business.

The pink-haired girl heard the bell ring.

Damn. She was late for class. At least now she could just relax instead of attempting to run to her classroom, looking as if she was being chased by a bunch of Sasuke fangirls trying to get his phone number from her.

She walked out of the stall and stared in shock…

…at the very surprised boys in front of her.

All of them had a "what the hell?" look on their faces.

Correction: All of them had a "what the hell are you doing in here, since this is clearly the guys' bathroom and you are a girl, so…get the HELL OUT!" look on their faces.

Kiba was still just staring in shock at the girl…but had not stopped what he was doing.

Shikamaru was looking surprised, albeit calm.

Gaara was looking her up and down as if he was trying to figure out if she could maybe might actually be a guy and they just didn't know it for all these years. It's not like she has any chest, so it might be plausible.

Sasuke was wondering if she was so into stalking him that she had actually gone into the boys' bathroom on purpose. He shivered. Scary.

Sakura could see Naruto desperately trying to pull up his pants. "Sakura, turn around!" they all screamed in unison.

The pink-haired girl blushed as she realized all of them were in fact…well…they were in the bathroom.

"What the hell are you doing in the girls' bathroom, you PERVS!" Sakura screamed.

Clearly the girl hadn't caught on yet. *Note: This is exactly why it's not good to expect to be right all the time. It's excruciatingly painful when you're wrong.*

Shikamaru chuckled, clearly amused. "Sakura, there are urinals in here."

It took the pink-haired girl's brain a moment to process this quite obvious information.

When she did…oh, fuck.

_R&R._


	13. Chapter 13: A School Board Meeting

_Disclaimer: I do **not** own Naruto._

_Author's notes: Sorry that this one is so short, and yes, I know that all the time junk and people are messed up, but that's why it's called fanFICTION. Ah, well, just something random that seemed somewhat appropriate to Naruto. *giggles* This would be the kinda dilemma that would amuse me. By the way, on May 30th, there's gonna be a new chappie for this, in addition, I want to post the first part of my 'How To' story kinda thingy, and it's kinda the same humor as the stuff here, so CHECK IT OUT!!! It's going through editing right now, but I think it's gonna be good for some laughs. So check that out when I post, pwease, and spread it around. ^^_

_R&R._

**School Board Meeting**

"No, we can't possibly have one of those built here. What you're suggesting is complete and utter insanity. Do you want to get us all killed?" the Kazekage argued.

"Is it really that much of a potential disaster?" he questioned.

The Kazekage glared. "Yes."

The Mizukage looked at the Kazekage strangely. "But they're just kids. They should be able to have all the joy they can get."

The Kazekage slammed the heel of his palm into the table with a resounding bang. "With all due respect, it's not a matter of _joy_. It's about their safety."

The Mizukage started to speak. "Bu-"

He continued on. "Do you really wish to be held liable for an injured kid? We have a low budget as it is, we're not going to waste it building something that could possibly bring harm!"

"Objection!" the Tsuchikage cried out. "It cannot possibly be that bad!"

"I agree with the Kazekage," the cool voice of the Raikage spoke out. "It could possibly be a bad thing."

Now it was the Mizukage's turn to glare. "I mean, think about it, do we really know if we can control it? It'd be an outrage if something happened. We'd have frantic parents ringing us up all the next day demanding that we do something for their kids—something that wouldn't be humanly possible."

The Tsuchikage thundered out. "So what do you want to do? Put the kids in little glass cases to protect them all? They're not lab rats, you know!"

"I think-"

The four Hokages continued to jabber on and argue, and in the mist of it all only one was silent.

Tsunade rubbed her temples, annoyed at the headache that was starting to form.

She turned to Shizune, her reliable vice principal. "God, I hate these board meetings. They take forever and those _things_," she waved her hand in the general direction of the fight. "can never reach a decision. I mean, do they really think Gaara can take over the school with a fuckin' _sandbox_?"

_R&R._


	14. Chapter 14: Another Guidance Office Trip

_Disclaimer: I do __**not**__ own Naruto._

_Author's notes: So, of course I'm not done making fun of Sasuke yet. :D. And of course I would have to make a follow-up to __A Trip to the Guidance Office__, so you might wanna read that chapter first. Lol. Hopefully, this piece lives up to expectations and I'm hoping to make a couple of other guidance councilor ones, most likely with different characters. If you like this story, you may like my new 'How To' column so check that out if you have some sparre time. But now I should stop talking so…without further ado…_

_R&R._

**History**

"Jiraiya-sensei? Are you there?" the voice on the intercom blared.

"Nah, ero-sennin went to spy on the girls at the bathhouse again." Naruto replied.

"Oh oka-wait, WHAT?" the voice screeched.

"Ok, nevermind, is Sasuke Uchiha there?" the voice inquired.

"Hn."

"From that careless response completely devoid of all emotion, I'm guessing that was Sasuke speaking, right?"

"Hn."

"Just come down to the guidance office, Uchiha."

**The Guidance Office**

Complete déjà vu.

"What the hell do they want with me now?" Sasuke thought. "They already pulled me down there to inspect whether I was gay or not."

He became irritated at the thought. Two weeks hadn't been enough to erase the trauma from his memory and he shuddered at the thought of talking to Deidara again.

For the second time, he opened the door to the guidance office and walked in, heading straight for Mr. D's door.

"You're Sasuke Uchiha?" the secretary stopped him. "You're supposed to go over there."

She pointed towards another room, one that he had never been inside before. "But…isn't my guidance councilor Deidara?" he asked confusedly.

She only shrugged at him. "They told me to send you in there."

He went to the door she indicated and opened it, not knowing what to expect.

More déjà vu.

There was once again a man standing with his back to him, and he too was wearing a black coat with white clouds, ringed with red on it, but when the man turned around, he was most certainly not Deidara.

"Hello, Uchiha. I'm a guidance councilor here. My name's Hidan."

The silver-haired man did not speak any further.

"Ummm…may I sit down?" Sasuke asked.

"No. We're here to discuss your problems and I don't believe in students being comfortable in my presence." He intoned. "Now, I have no problem with letting you stay depressed and suicidal, deal with your anger problems alone, and become emo, but it seems that principal Tsunade does."

He got out a rather thick folder that Sasuke could see was labeled with his name on it. "So, we're here to figure out what is making you turn emo, the cause of your depression, suicidalness, and anger."

"What?!" Sasuke yelled. "I'M NOT EMO!"

Almost as an afterthought, he added. "And suicidalness isn't a word."

Hidan glared at him. "It is in my office. Now, SIT DOWN AND LISTEN!"

"But…you just told me not to sit down," Sasuke said confusedly.

"I changed my mind, sit." His voice suddenly became honey sweet.

Sasuke sat in the chair nervously.

"Now, it seems that lately you've been very withdrawn and distant from all your friends, increasingly antisocial. Apparently, there have been cases of you turning down offers to 'hang out' and have even refused ice cream." Hidan gave him a strange look. "Who in their right mind would turn down ice cream?"

He started to speak, but Hidan cut him off.

"Also, it appears that you are starting to display signs of an extremely bad temper towards the world, even striking out with verbal abuse at certain innocent girls."

"They weren't innocent!" he protested. "They've been stalking me!"

Hidan seemed to not hear him. "We were going to write off the fits of anger as PMS, but since we're almost sure you're not a girl, we had to cross _that_ option off."

"What do you mean _almost_?!" Sasuke's voice cracked in panic.

There was still no sign that Hidan was listening. "But since you are displaying those anger signs, Tsunade has insisted that we put you on an 'anger management' class schedule. So on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays, you are to accompany me to the course 'Let's all be Friends'. Don't worry, it's not so bad. And then on Tuesdays, you're to go to therapy. Luckily, Tsunade assigned you to my therapist, so you can just tag along with me."

Sasuke just stared at him, flabbergasted.

"Y-you're c-crazy," he stuttered.

Hidan paid him no attention. "We're also thinking that the depression and suicidal thoughts may have been brought on by delayed post-traumatic stress from Itachi-san killing your whole family. So we've decided that he should also attend your therapy sessions. It would bring closure."

"WHAT?! I HATE HIM!"

"See? We told you that we've observed signs of extreme anger. The anger management classes will fix that all up." Hidan continued.

"I DON'T HAVE ANGER PROBLEMS!"

"Then why are you still screaming at me?" Hidan pointed out.

Sasuke gaped at him, speechless. "Exactly."

Hidan plowed on. "Like I've said, we've also observed depression and suicidal thoughts in your behavior lately, so on Saturday and Sunday, we have you signed up for group therapy with others that are having your same problem. This way you can learn how to help yourself by sharing your experience with others. Any questions?"

He looked at Sasuke expectantly.

"I-I not e-emo," he choked out.

Hidan clicked his tongue impatiently. "We already know that you are. Hold out your arms."

Sasuke did as he was told, confused.

"Look, there are cut marks all over your arms." He said triumphantly.

Sasuke looked down at his arms.

There were indeed scratches on them. "That's only cuz the dobe can't throw kunai straight for his life!" he cried out.

Hidan gave him a pitying look.

"You don't have to cover it up any longer. We're here for you." He said soothingly.

Sasuke screamed in frustration.

A head poked itself into the office. "Hey, I heard someone screaming. Are you torturing small animals _again_? How many times do we have to tell you that we got you the rabbit for a pet, Hidan?" he scolded cheerfully.

Deidara let out a girlish squeal when he saw Sasuke. "OMG, MY FAVORITE LITTLE GAY!"

Sasuke flinched and started to back away from the insane blonde, but to no avail. He was instantly enveloped in a huge hug.

"So, how you doin, hun? I haven't seen you in forever, and you've _totally_ been skipping your classes? But that's okay, how about I take you shopping today, after school?" Deidara gushed with enthusiasm.

Sasuke felt like his head was going to explode.

Hidan gave Deidara a confused look. "He's not gay, just emo."

"What are _you_ talking about?" Dei said with an elaborate hand motion that is too hard to describe in words.

"We've been trying to help him with his…" his voice dropped down to a whisper. "…sexual attractions to the same sex."

"But, _I'm_ trying to help him with his emo-ness." Hidan insisted.

Deidara blinked at him in surprise. "An emo gay? Wow, that's unexpected."

"That _is_ rather strange, I must admit." Hidan mused.

"OMG, that means we'll be working together to help poor little Sasuke with being emo _and_ being ga-"

"I'M NOT EMO OR GAY! YOU TWO ARE BOTH INSANE!" Sasuke screamed.

Both councilors looked on in astonishment as the Uchiha stomped out of the office in apparently rage.

"I told him he had anger problems," Hidan commented.

Deidara tsked. "Like oh my _gawd_, this denial thing is getting _so_ old."

_R&R._


	15. Chapter 15: The Jar

_Disclaimer: I do __**not**__ own Naruto._

_Author's notes: I just got joyously inspired for this one for no reason whatsoever. So tired right now. X.x. I'm hoping this is as good as it sounded in my head, lawlz. I love Shika. Enjoy._

_**Like fluff? Visit my profile for complete contest rules and how to participate. Winner gets to own me as a slave... *winks* ...or gets a story written by me. It'll make me happy if you enter... :D.**_

_R&R._

**Mathematics**

"Kiba!"

"What'd I do?" Kiba looked up from playing games on his calculator.

Kurenai-sensei glared at him. "You're not paying attention to the lesson."

"Yes, I am." He protested helplessly. "I know exactly what we're doing right now."

She tapped her foot impatiently. "So what was the last thing I said?"

"I…um…it…" Kiba couldn't seem to find the words. "You're not paying attention to the lesson?" he offered with a sheepish look.

Kurenai glared at him. "That's it! I'm tired of dealing with students who don't seem to have an attention span for more than five minutes."

She walked over to her desk and took out a jar. "So from now on, if I catch you not paying attention, you have to put a dollar in this jar." She continued. "Maybe from now on, you kids will learn to respect your teacher."

The jar sat forebodingly on her desk.

**Two Days Later**

"Shikamaru…" Ino hissed. "Wake up, baka. If Kurenai-sensei catches you, you'll have to put another dollar in that dumb jar. You've already lost three bucks this week!"

The sleeping boy did not stir an inch.

Kurenai seemed to materialize in front of his desk. "Mr. Nara!"

Shikamaru woke up with a start. "Is it time for lunch yet?" he asked sleepily, rubbing at his eyes.

"No, Mr. Nara, I just felt it necessary to wake you from your slumber. Another dollar in the jar, if you please."

Kurenai almost snapped when she saw that the boy wasn't paying the least bit of attention to what she was saying. In fact, he had already fallen back asleep.

"Mr. Nara!" Shikamaru woke up again, flinching at the harsh sound grating against his ears.

"What?" he asked, confused.

Kurenai-sensei gave a deep sigh and began to rub her temples. "Mr. Nara, I just don't have time to deal with this right now. See me after class."

Shikamaru was already busily getting back to his nap.

**After Class**

"Shikamaru, I'm afraid that you just can't keep sleeping during my class. The purpose of you being here is to learn and if you're napping, well, you won't pass." Kurenai lectured.

"Sensei, I just can't help it." Shikamaru yawned.

"Well, I've just sent an email to your parents, explaining to them the situation here. I just want them to know that you have a problem and we must fix. Tomorrow, I would like to hear what they have to say, so talk to them tonight, okay?" Kurenai sighed.

Shikamaru nodded.

"Okay, you may go now."

**Next Day**

**After class**

"So, Mr. Nara, what did your parents say about your sleeping habits?" Kurenai asked.

"Well, my dad said good luck trying to bring on a miracle and then gave me fifty bucks to put in the jar to cover the next month in advance."

_R&R._


	16. Chapter 16: The New Girl

_Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto._

_Author's notes: Meh. Serious BrainBlock. And sorry for the absence people. :P Been quite busy lately._

_R&R._

**Boys' Locker Room**

"My god, I think I'm in love," Naruto said dreamily as he walked in the locker room to get changed.

Sasuke looked at him in irritation. "You don't have to tell us _again_, we already know you love Sakura…though none of us have any clue why."

The blond gave Sasuke a dirty look. "First of all, you don't have to be so mean to her. Man, she's like perfect with her bubble-gum pink hair an-"

Shikamaru interrupted. "Shut up about her already. We're tired of it."

Now it was Nara's turn to feel the wrath of Naruto's glare.

"_Anyway_," he continued. "Sakura isn't who I'm talking about."

"Well then, who _are_ you speaking of?" Neji managed to show interest for the first time.

Naruto grinned. "That new chick that just transferred here. She's cute as hell."

Shikamaru's voice came over as muffled, trying to pull his gym shirt over his head at the same time. "Are you talking about the blonde freshman?"

The blond frowned. "No, she has dark hair."

Choji snapped his fingers. "Oh, I think I know who you're talking about. That chick in our math class right?"

Naruto nodded eagerly. "Yup, that's the one."

Sasuke started to become interested. A new girl that hadn't already tried to come and rape him? This was a first.

The Hyuuga spoke up. "Hmmm, I think she's in my science class. Does she have really long hair?"

Naruto nodded again. "Isn't she just the cutest thing you've ever seen?"

Neji agreed. "She is pretty adorable."

Sasuke came to a decision.

"She's gonna be my new girlfriend." he announced.

"What the _hell_?" the outburst came from Naruto. "You don't even know who she is! Besides, I saw her first." He pouted childishly.

Neji shook his head. "_Actually_, I believe I saw her first. This morning in the front office when she was picking up her schedule."

Shikamaru looked at the three of them, anticipating a fight.

"She won't like any of you," he predicted. "You're too hyper and stupid, you're too emo andd don't care about anyone…" he paused while pointing at Neji. "…and you're just…well you're just plain crazy."

Sasuke raised one eyebrow. "And you think that she'd choose you?"

Shikamaru shrugged. "There's a lack of sanity going around, so yes, I think I have a shot."

Naruto started whining. "…but I saw her first!"

Choji wisely decided to keep quiet about the whole matter.

In about five minutes, the fight escalated to violent proportions.

"She's mine, and that's FINAL!" Sasuke insisted, refusing to be beaten.

All of them turned in surprise, when the door to the locker room opened…

…and the cause of their argument walked in.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!" Naruto was the first one to scream, sounding quite panicked since his pants were half off and he was wearing boxers with little frogs on them.

Haku looked at the blond strangely.

"This _is_ the boys' locker room, right?" he asked confusedly. "I'm not in the wrong place, am I?"

All five of them stood frozen in shock.

Neji was the first to recover. "Well," he coughed lightly. "You're right Sasuke, he's all yours."

_R&R._


End file.
